REAL STORIES

Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: Rigby, Idaho

I am 30 years of age and have only been fully living my life for 3 years now. December 3, 2005 I broke free from the solid chains that meth holds you by.

I AM NOT ALONE. Millions of people are bound by these same chains, destroying their lives and the lives of those they love. I have experienced what I have experienced to help another addict in need.

I grew up in a good loving home. I had goals and respect for myself. I loved my family and I was trusted. I was an achiever in school and cared deeply for my future. But...I felt alone inside. I felt ugly, fat, "different" from the other girls. "What is wrong with me?" I wanted to be everything I was not...the chains began to bound me before I even got high.

I began to search for the perfect "get better" solution. I began having sex at a young age, smoking cigarettes, drinking, taking shrooms, and LSD. I should have realized what my preference in drugs would be at a young age, because no matter how high or drunk I got I always went back to wanting to pop Vivarin at high doses. No matter how much a vomited the next day.... I felt "good" for at least a minute. The chains began to grow stronger.

By ninth grade I was pregnant. I seemed to get my head a little on my shoulders, such a blur memory wise. Meth found me... and wanted me more than ever.

By 1998 I had 4 children and was snorting meth pretty much every day. I felt strong, confident, pretty, wanted, and adored. "Gosh it took me this long to find my hero?" Nothing could have brought me to believe that Meth would ever destroy my life. "Will you love me forever?" "YES I WILL." "Will you comfort me when needed?" "TILL THE DAY YOU DIE."

2001 pregnant again... addiction getting worse... need to get highŠthe baby will be ok, right? My addiction only got worse, even though I was pregnant. "I'm not hurting anyone but myself." "Look I still have my babies, you have to control the drug...not let it control you." How many more lies could I have fed myself, or allowed meth to keep me blind.

Moving house to house and a total of 6 children, oh and yeah pregnant again with my seventh child. Year 2002 and in the realm of the deepest part of my addiction, I no longer loved me, trusted me, did not even know who I was anymore. All my goals and dreams were shattered; all I cared about was how I would continue getting high. Not even able to crawl out of bed to function as a "normal" Mother would without getting high first. My house was filthy, unfit for children. Fighting to just keep the water and heat on... oh and maybe some food. Hard work to juggle money for dope and what your children need...Right? I had become a hollow shell of a woman. If you could even call me that. "I just need to get high..I can make better... Please just get me high."

I continued to get high. I continued to get high knowing that things were beginning to fall apart. Police activity, jails, CPS. I was scared, terrified actually. The pain I felt at that moment will never leave me. I can feel it right now. "Help me." "Can I be helped?" "Look what I have done to my children... gosh I need to get high." I knew nothing else. I knew that if I wanted to continue getting high I needed to pull it together... and to pull it together I needed to get high.

I had nothing but my dope. 2004 they removed my children. I lost my home. "I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NOT HURT ME." Look, now all I know is to get high... I'm beaten, destroyed, and alone. Someone help me.

December 03, 2005 I found that help. I have been delivered and will no more walk in the darkness of meth. I have 4 of my 7 children back. There are always consequences to our actions. And we NEVER hurt just ourselves. I am learning to be strong again, and try so hard to enjoy life. I WILL NO LONGER GET HIGH.

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